Many believe it is the duty of parents, their main goal and the first concern is that the child grew up, "normal." While most of us have very little idea how to be a "normal" child, we are committed to this dubious standard, not even on their own, and a sense of duty, not to pass a bad parent. But you still can not decide what the child should do and what to do.

The question arises: if the responsibility of parents is to monitor the actions of the child (children are concerned, is old enough to answer for their actions, teens), what then you must deal with parents? What are they for?

It is the duty of parents - to help children to stop doing what they should not do. Agree, pretty vague definition, which allows for different interpretations and abuse of power: so easy to cross the thin line separating the effect of the control.

It is important to remember that the father and mother of different tasks. Yes, it smells strongly stereotypes that nobody likes, but this is not true. It is not that a woman's place in the kitchen, and the man has to provide food and bring to the cave killed mammoth skin. Such traditional patriarchal preserved in a few families, most of the others there is a completely different model. Just for some needs of your child needs a father, but for others - his mother.

What are the Pope

Ironically, the main and primary task of the father - it does not control. His most important duty towards their children - support.

What support and how is it expressed? Support - meaning words and actions over and over again to give the child to understand the following:

• "You exist"
• "You are important to me"
• "You do not disappoint"
• "You are an interesting person"
• "You're a good son / daughter"

Therapists sometimes talk about the principle of reflection or mirror. The principle is reflected in the fact that the most important information about yourself, about who he is, the child receives at an early age by their parents to do with him, that is, as if in a mirror image. This perception of himself through the eyes of the parents remain the child for life as the basis for all subsequent impressions and sort of reference point.

Children often misbehave to call parents at least some reaction, for example, in the following cases:

• Sixteen-year Dasha rarely saw his father - he spent at work twelve hours a day, and all free time devoted to golf. However, he gave her the latest iPad model and considered it quite sufficient expression of love. What did Dasha? The new iPad she used to put in their social networks candid photos. When my mother found out about it and told my father, he lost his temper and Dasha took his gift, but also strictly prohibited to use the computer until the end of the year.
• At fifteen Wani was tight with mathematics, and decided to write off the exam. He just could not come home without a good rating, because his father was pleased with him, but when brought high ratings. Vanya was not able to write off, so have caught it and made a failing grade, has not included a course. Angry father chastised teenager so he forbade him to go to driving school and allowed to pass on the right is not earlier than one year.
• Thirteen Boris nostalgically recalled how he used often played chess with my dad. But now the father is constantly on the road, and all the free time watching sports on TV. Boris took without asking his father's exclusive chess and at the time took them to the school chess club. Several figures somewhere lost. When Boris admitted it to his father, who shouted at him, humiliated and called "careless idiot." After that Boris is no longer expected to play at least one game of chess with his father.

In all these cases, the fathers were not able to perform its main task - to support the child (at least by their presence), and tried to rectify the situation by strengthening control. But such a change - support to control - not give any results.

By the way, did you notice that the offenses of teenagers still caused a reaction from their fathers, but the reaction was sharply negative. Cause or simply bad behavior in adolescents - a way to declare its existence and its ability to influence the world around us. Any offense - a kind of a stone thrown into the water, and the reaction of others - it ripples. So they sought from parents at least some of the reaction, even if it is a punishment.

Grown up child, particularly in the transition to adulthood Transitional age , Needs your love and care no less than grudnichok. Moreover, the approval and support of the father (or mother if there is no father in the family - in a word, the head of the family) are essential for normal emotional development of the child. Many children are ready for everything - literally - to get the approval of the father (or the person symbolizing the figure of the father), whether it's real or fake. This makes children vulnerable to sexual perverts and manipulators who are ready to offer them such approval.

Many parents are so imbued with the idea of ​​educating the child self-esteem, they are ready to approve the child whether he deserves it or not. In an effort not to offend anyone, we praise children, regardless of their achievements, why praise is leveled and loses its value in the eyes of the child, ie ceases to perform its mission.

Maintain or praise?

As we have already established, support has nothing to do with control. It also does not mean a complete lack of control. You can be overbearing and strict father, but at the same time to maintain your son or daughter: to recognize his or her existence, to praise for achievements or good deeds (and not all in a row).

Some fathers fall into the other extreme - refused to support children as they, in their opinion, "not up" or they do not show the desired results. Our society is so subordinate to the conventions that the support and encouragement received only by those who seek fame or money or makes a brilliant career, or those whom Mother Nature (or plastic surgeon) has given an attractive appearance. This attitude seeps and methods of education. Praise your child for some achievement or good result everyone can. It is much more difficult to see a child's individuality and appreciate his human and personal qualities, even if his credit is no special achievements.

Such manifestations of approval, which will not help the child - in fact another attempt to control the behavior and life of a child. All parents want their child to grow strong, confident leader, therefore, come to the delight of even mediocre results. At the other extreme - deliberate concealment success of the child, that he had an incentive to earn praise and do even more.

But the main task of his father, and even the obligation - to refuse the manipulation of a child with the help of the approval and praise. He must recognize the value of a child, regardless of his accomplishments (or lack thereof). Father has to words or actions to show the child that he was glad of his existence that he is interested in the child's life. Even if you are not subject to doubt, for the child it is not so obvious. He needs to hear it from you.

Appreciate the child as a person, even when punished for misconduct or disrespect. The child needs to know that you love him, even if he misbehaves. Otherwise, when a tree falls in the forest, from silence can be deafening.

Post baby need support from the moment when you take it out of the hospital. Parenting a teenager begins from the cradle. This is no exaggeration.

Still, better late than never. The main thing - to have time to intervene as long as the child's psychological playlist is not too late to insert the track "I'm an interesting person, parents love me." If you succeed, you will be less tempted to give less support to offset the tightening of controls.

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